Ghosts: A Series. Entry One- Regret

I’m usually one who is good about not beating up on myself, mainly because I know that is counterproductive but more importantly because we all possess the power to change our present and shape our future. As wise as that sounds tonight was the one night I found myself going back down memory lane, reliving the old ghosts that haunt all of us as individuals: Regret, Fear, Anger. Tonight I felt a big dose of regret for a number of reasons. The feeling of regret I felt though definitely opened the door to a revelation that had went unnoticed in my mind. I’m going to share some of my regrets with you like I would share it with my students with the hopes that my story can inspire you to either correct your mistakes or prevent them from becoming mistakes.

As a young child I like many kids wanted to do a number of things, most of which involved sports or activities that appealed to my childish nature. For example as a kid and teenager I dabbled in a bit of everything from Tae Kwon Do to tennis and golf, soccer and band. The common link in all of these instances is that these were all things I felt strongly about at one time, and all things that I eventually dropped by the wayside. With Tae Kwon Do I began practicing the sport at the age of 5 and for the course of my youth I participated in the sport faithfully, sparring in contests and passing through the ranks to advance. One would think that with that much time devoted to something that the person would enjoy it. but for some reason the one thing I wanted so much was something that grew to be a chore. I’m not sure when I fell out of love with the sport, but in time I grew to dislike it. I eventually left the sport behind at around age 16 around 2005. I managed to get to Brown Belt level, just right before the coveted title of Black Belt.

Tae Kwon Do was the main sport I practiced as a kid, attending classes 2-3 times a week. But it wasn’t the only sport I participated in. Around 1997-1998 the East Lake Community in Atlanta received a rennovation of sorts and all of sudden the kids from one of the worst housing projects in Atlanta received a chance to play golf free! I think it pertinent to say that while I was not a kid of the projects I was in the same place and situation as them.We were all young, black, and disadvantaged. The chance to play golf was a god send for us and for most of the kids I think they got that. For me I think I approached it like I did most things as a kid: It was something to do, something that I showed some promise in, but something that I would inevitably leave by the waist side when I tired of it which I did. Middle School was my abrupt exit from the East Lake school program and with that I left behind golf. To be fair I attended classes on weekends at the Yates Golf Course sporadically but with no internal desire to do it and a lack of push from something else it quickly joined my brown belt and uniform in the closet.

Middle school was mainly Tae Kwon Do and golf, but then came high school. High school of course is the time in a student’s life where they want to cement their legacy as a student and for men being recognized for your athletic prowess was the greatest affirmation. I knew that I did not possess the technical skill for basketball: I had not put in the time nor did I have the desire to do so for that sport and so that was not a priority. I surveyed the sports available at my school and saw soccer as a great choice. In truth I enjoyed the sport greatly. I found myself wondering why I hadn’t attempted to play it when I was younger, and soon realized that for little black boys in my area football and basketball took precedence over everything else. I played soccer for my junior and senior year and while not the most skilled I was recognized for my intensity. I could live with not being best at this sport I think because I could live with the effort that I had given it. That was important.

Next came the trumpet. Ironically my older brother played trumpet briefly as well. Briefly is the key word. Either way anyone who knows or knew me back then knew that I was an avid music man, especially rap. My passion for rap music inspired me to want to learn an instrument and so I took up the trumpet. Now my high school was a small small school with a first year program for music, a program that at the time could not focus much attention on the important conventions of the instrument. Now I will say what we did not learn was not a reflection of the instructor as much a reflection of the band member mainly me. I loved the idea of the trumpet and what it represented but allowed the nuisances of the work to deter me from it. I would grow to see just how my wasted efforts would affect me when at the end of my senior year it hit me that just a little concentration in one hobby could have led to a scholarship and chance to go where I wanted. In sum I realized in one moment how not giving your all would affect you. It was a hard lesson that I’d work hard to never repeat.

Despite all the gloom previously mentioned I think that I am by most accounts successful. I am college educated, employed and on the cusp of attaining a higher graduate degree. I am making a difference in the lives of other young people and I am respected by everyone I respect. I am blessed. Beneath that all though is an intensity fueled by years of regret. My desire to be successful is what motivates me and in some sense blinds me. A quote by Buddha sums up my mentality sometimes” I never see what has been done, I only see what needs to be done”. For me that fuel to be successful keeps me chasing after it which is needed but blinds me to the beauty of life which lies in being grateful for what you have been blessed to accomplish. In some senses that speaks to an even bigger need, a need perhaps to feel worthy, a need we all have on some level. That need is fed by the ghosts in our lives which are fear and anger. For me I fear failing so much that reflecting on past failures fuels me. That can be productive but it can also cause one to chase after things for the wrong reasons. In life there are somethings we will regret and even if we tried we could not change.

But more importantly what regret showed me tonight was that every decision we make stems from something psychological within us. For me I like the freedom to be flexible and commitment in some instances scared me as a kid. Now don’t get me wrong I’m a fan of hard work and if I am committed to it I am going to give it all. But as a kid when I saw something that required commitment I tended to lose that inner passion for it. That led me to two epiphanies tonight: 1. Passion is a prerequisite for success. If you are going to change the world and fulfill your purpose you must go after something that you are so in love with that you wont stop. 2. The moment you take your eyes off of achieving something is the beginning of what will one day become a regret. One of the worst crimes in life is potential wasted. Not knowing whether you can do something is worse than knowing in any case. Bruce Lee once said that there are no limits, only plateaus and you must not stay there you must go beyond them.

With this in mind I am going to ensure that whatever my endeavors are they will receive my full attention and effort. I am also going to go back to some of my old hobbies and work on them. It’s important for all of us to work toward self actualization.